These days i don't really know what it is that i am living for.....i have become so jaded, so cynical, and so bitter that i don't quite recognize myself anymore. If you didn't know me you would say i seem so happy, so normal but i'm not. The smile on my face is so fake...and it has become too easy to fake it. I wake up every morning and i put on a mask...a look of perfection like everything in my life is exactly how i want it to be.

My heart feels torn...like it's been ripped into a gazillion pieces and dispersed into the world. I have strings tying me to different people, strings i want to cut so that i can keep my heart to myself...but i can't. Now what do i do?

111 Songs to Save My Life

If you want to make me swoon....play these songs...if i cry....play these songs....if i smile it's probably because i'm listening to these songs.

How to Save a Life - The Fray
Sweet Silver Lining - Kate Voegele
Lift Me Up - Kate Voegele
When it All Falls apart - the Veronicas
You Found Me - the fray
superman - five for fighting
the riddle - five for fighting
world - five for fighting
waitin on the world to change - john mayer
daughters - john mayer
dreaming with a broken heart - john mayer
halo - beyonce
hao - bethany joy galeotti
vulnerable - secondhand serenade
fall for you - secondhand serenade
i hate this song - secondhand serenade
sk8er boy - avril lavigne
over my head (cable car) - the fray
happy ending - avril lavigne
when you're gone - avril lavigne
photographs and memories - jim croce
bottle it up - katy perry
i'm yours - jason mraz
think of you - katy perry
if i were a boy - beyonce
cowgirl don't cry - reba mcentire
so close - jon mclaughlin
all at once - the fray
one word - lee jun ki
flower letter - park hyo shin
love story - taylor swift
so small - carrie underwood
i don't wanna miss a thing - aerosmith
forever and almost always - kate voegele
unfair - kate voegele
syndicate - the fray
never say never - the fray
kindly unspoken - kate voegele
only fooling myself - kate voegele
hallelujah - kate voegele
almost lover - a fine frenzy
numb - linkin park
in the end - linkin park
breaking the habit - linkin park
boulevard of broken dreams - greenday
iris - goo goo dolls
wake nme up when september ends - greenday
never again - kelly clarkson
viva la vida - coldplay
the day you went away -M2m
circus - britney spears
until you - shayne ward
melt the snow - shayne ward
lucky - jason mraz
remember the name - fort minor
gotta be somebody - nickelback
feel this - bethany joy galeotti
photograph - nickelback
saving me - nickelback
1 2 3 4 - plain white t's
hey there delilah - plain white t's
everything - michael buble
Ti Amo - fahrenheit
ku cha - bang bang tang
more than a memory - garth brooks
cry - rihanna
i will be - leona lewis
bleeding love - leona lewis
better in time - leona lewis
you're still the one - shania twain
thank you - dido
white flag - dido
only hope - mandy moore
i'll be - edwin mccain
over it - katherine mcphee
xiao wu gui - nicholas teo
bu xiang dong de - angela zhang
bei ji xing de yan lei - nicholas teo
hoa dai - mai khoi
you're beautiful - james blunt
so small - carrie underwood
she will be loved - maroon 5
collide - howie day
unwell - matchbox 20
no good - kate voegele
mighty to save - hillsong
take it all - hillsong united
lead me to the cross - hillsong united
desert song - hillsong
one way - hillsong
canticle of zechariah - matt maher
shine like the son - matt maher
love has come - matt maher
empty and beautiful - matt maher
as it is in heaven - matt maher
stand by me
you lift me up - josh groban
hey jude - beatles
p.s. i love you - beatles
all you need is love - beatles
a day in the life - beatles
lucy in the sky with diamonds - beatles
all my loving - beatles
it won't be long - beatles
let it be - beatles
come together - beatles
don't let me down - beatles
across the universe - beatles
daybreak - cindy wang
the middle - jimmy eat world

Trust

Before I start this blog I am just going to say that i will be addressing quite a few strange topics in my blogs. it's just me writingg out wat i have to say that day or the days before. A lot of the time i'm stuck in this rut where i have no idea wat it is that i say so excuse any confusion or mindless ramblin. It makes sense in my head and that's ultimately all that matters right?

Okay so here goes the words unsaid...

Trust - i don't quite know wat this is anymore. I used to. You see as a child i grew up in a very stable and safe environment. I learned to trust very eaily and very early on. Actually looking back now it all just seems a bit ironic since Saigon, my hometown, was the center of thiefs, liars, and rip-offs. That being said, i still was a very trusting child. I amed friends eaily and at 7 if you had asked me how i felt about them i would have willingly said, " I would trust them w/ my life." I laugh now when i think about it....LOLs....but then again life was much more simple back then. That trust inside me was really endless. I could trust anyone and anything to the point where i could be called gullible.

When i came to america, this part of me didn't change. I still turst ppl very easilty and thrus the past 8 years this has been the cause of much of my downfall.

See since 3rd grade until now, i have had quite a lot of best friends. i guess looking back now they can't really be called best freinds after everything they've done to me. i have been hurt more teimes bc of my supposed "best friends" backstabbed me than i have by boys who have broken my heart and that is saying a lot considering how many guys have hurt me. Each and every single time i trusted my friends, they betrayed my trust, and it went all downhill from there. At the time i blamed them. I thought everything was their fault and that they were the worst ppl in the world. But now? Well after quite a bit of soul searching, and korean/japanese dramas, i realized that it was my own foolishness that landed me in all the messes in the first place. My problem? I trusted ppl way too easily. As the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 3 times? Now that's just stupid." I allowed them to betray me. Logically speaking if i had not given them my trust, they wouldn't have had anything to hurt me with in the first place.

Like the saying goes, the person who was nvr meant to break your heart will break it. I never expected any of my friends to betray me but nonetheless they did. The one thing i can do about it now is to just forgive....and learn from it. I can only say that i won't be so quick to trust anymore.

You live you learn and one thing's for certain....there will always be words left unsaid.

Goodbye Sophomore Year

“As we grow up, we learn that the one person that wasn’t suppose to ever let us down, probably will. You’ll have your heart broken and you’ll break others’ hearts. You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you’ll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you’ve never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time out."

As the end of the school year grows closer...actually it's practically here, i figure it's about time for me to blog about the entire experience of this year.

Let’s start from the very beginning. To be honest, I totally expected this year to be kick ass awesome but it really did not live up to my expectations…..in some ways it totally was a failure, in other ways it totally went above and beyond. It’s been such a roller coaster ride and no matter if I end up hating it or loving it, I can say that it was definitely was sooooo unpredictable. I rmbr walking thru the halls on the first day of school thinking damn I’m a sophie….no more freshmeat. That thrill lasted a day before all the drama caught up with me. And then I felt as crappy as a freshman did again.

Actually I have learned a lot from this year. I learned that sometimes I do have to open up my heart to experience true happiness even if it means getting hurt…I’ve learned that trust can only go so far bc eventually that person will betray that trust. I’ve learned that it’s better to just shut up and listen….i’ve learned that I can’t keep measuring my success according to other people’s standards. I’ve learned that it is okay to fail miserably at something once in a while as long as I’m willing to stand up and fight again. I’ve learned that to win a battle I have to have soldiers first, willpower second. I’ve learned that I can never judge a person based on their words especially when they are better at sweet talking than I am. I’ve learned that sweet talking doesn’t work. I’ve learned that love does really conquer all…though I still don’t know wat love is. I’ve learned that I am special and that there are ppl out there who do like me for who I am. I’ve learned so much, too much. I’ve gotten hurt so many times within the last 9 months but I have grown so much as a person. I don’t know if I’m a nicer person or not but I do know that I am more genuine and more real, both to myself and to the world.

The past school year has been amazing and I really couldn’t ask for anything more. I may have gotten hurt and I may have failed one too many time but from the ashes come the phoenix.

“There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past; there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future."

Integrity and Honesty

Recently i've been thinking about the world and how much honesty there really is. As students we've been taught since the beginning of our school days that cheating is bad...that copying is taboo. yet by the time we get to middle schoo it seems as if that rule has faded into the crevices of our minds. It seems as if we no longer fear the repercusssions of cheating since we as students constantly try to find ways to cheat. i never understood this mindset....as kids we were raised to have morals, to know what is right and wrong...yet we lose sight of this as we grow. i mean we all know it's wrong to kill, it's wrong to steal, it's wrong to hurt other people...yet somehow cheating no longer applies.

and i have to wonder if this is bc when we look at the world, teenagers as a generation no longer see a role model of honesty and integrity in society anymore....i mean open up a newspaper and all i read is crap about ppl cheating each other out of money or corruption and so many other lies....everyone in this world is so busy lying to each other that it seems like that's all there is to this world...backstabbing, lies, corruption, cheating....i don't get it. was life always like this or was i just too blind, stupid, and naive to see the facts in front of me? was i that stupid

bc i thought this world was fair...i know life isn't but i thought the forces of this world - fate, love, a higher being if you will - was. I believe in karma and justice but it seems as if there isn't any. i'm so disillusioned with this world...or is it i believe in a goodness and perfection that isn't there?

First Blog Ever

it's weird blogging for the first time ever....i just recently decided i need a blog to get everything off my chest. i realized that i've said too much and most of the time the things i said should never have been said. which just lands me in a ton of trouble. hence from this day on i'm gonna hold in everything i want to say and say it here...the good, the bad, the ugly...everything goes here.

i will not name names...i will not cuss...but i will say what i feel no matter what others may feel about it.

sometimes i can only hold in so much before the words left unsaid will explode....